Sunday, February 13, 2011

Traumatic Past/Empty Future

I'm set to graduate in June. I'm terrified.

I've expressed my fears to everyone I come across, hoping for some sort of advice that will really hit home. What I get is "nobody knows what they want to do at your age, you're very young, you have plenty of time, don't worry, everything will fall into place."

It's really wonderful how many people have offered words of support to me, but they fall short. Maybe that's enough for most of my peers, but it's not for me. Not when I rely on hope just to wake up in the morning. Not when I need something to look forward to just to be able to breathe.

When my family died, my future was erased - it was a strange experience. From the moment you are able, you build these fantasies, visions, and possibilities for the future, so that as much as you have images of the past you have images of the future. Every image I had included my mom and dad and brother to some degree, so when they died, every image I had ever created was no longer a possibility. Since then, I've had little strength to rebuild my vision of the future. I have managed to envision my life up to graduation, and from there all I see is emptiness.

I can't come up with possibilities to fill that emptiness. While it doesn't mean I have no future, it does feel as though I'm walking toward the edge of a cliff. There could be wonderful things beyond that edge, but I can't envision anything other than the drop.

It's not important for my future career for me to have an idea of what I want to do, but it is important for my well-being. Blind hope and optimism is a powerful tool, but it doesn't last forever without some concrete motivation.

I'm not terrified to graduate because I don't have a career path planned in detail. I'm terrified because once that diploma is in my hand, I may have run out of things to goad me on.


Milena said...

Just letting you know I read this. If you're up for it, can we talk about this in person sometime? I have some things to say but I don't know how to articulate them properly in writing.

Also, we still have our plans for next year - maybe a complete change in location right after graduation will be helpful.

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