Monday, January 14, 2013

Four Years

It used to be that the day they died felt like yesterday. Time was running away from me, and I was still caught in a stationary bubble of grief.

Today -- today it feels as though forever has passed since they died. I feel nearly as though my life has never had them in it. Today, I am a woman. Today, I am an adult - and viewed as such by most around me. The day they died I most definitely was not. I was a teenager. A child. I'm not sure where these years have gone, or how exactly it was that I grew up just enough to pass that threshold into adulthood -- but these critical years were years without my family.

The person I am today is - yes, a product of my childhood and upbringing - but I have been powerfully sculpted by the last four years. By unforeseen responsibilities -- grief -- entering the work force -- by re-entering my own social position as Tee rather than the 'daughter of so-and-so'. I have passed and am passing through a fundamental transition of personal development ... while they remain in the past.

I wonder if they would recognize me as their daughter, and sister. I wonder if we would still get along in any functional way. I fear that neither is the case.

They're drifting away from me, and I don't know if it is personally a good or bad change for me. But I am absolutely terrified by how quickly they have lost an influence on my life. It has been four years. In another twenty - will I still even be their daughter?

I love you. And the farther I drift from you, the more I miss you. It used to be that you were so near in the past that I could reach out and feel you. I don't think I will ever be able to reach you like that again.

I hope your souls are as restful as mine is tumultuous - and that one day I can find on this world the peace that I know your tragic and untimely deaths have brought to you. I will have a better life.

xxx Tee.