Thursday, December 13, 2012

In Coming Home

There was an emptiness in touching down in Toronto - and in greeting my best friend - and in catching up with my people.

There's an emptiness in the thought of going back to Kitchener for Christmas. An emptiness in the thought of opening gifts and eating turkey.

There's an emptiness.

I will never again have a mother's love.

My mother's love.

Her love was my home.

I'll never be able to go home again.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Oct 15

You were so flawed. I have a lifetime of complaints and grievances I could make against you. There was so much about you that I didn't like and I never want to become. I have a lot of issues and troubles that I'm sure are a result of your imperfect parenting.

But the thing is, Mommy, you were still perfect. You were still everything I could have ever asked for. Because you were my Mommy - and I am your daughter. Your imperfections and fears and failures are, as much as your successes and strengths, my legacy. You are every contracting beat of my heart. You are every resounding echo of my footsteps. You are the dimples in my smile and the salt in my tears.

I do not miss you. I ache for you.

Mama: with my every breath, I love you.
Please rest in peace and in happiness.

Happy Birthday

Saturday, September 8, 2012


"To subject to unwanted or improper sexual activity."

I have been lying to myself and to my loved ones for a very long time. I've been lying about my past, about my problems, and very much about my grief. I hit a very deep and dark low a while back, and I confessed to my family what I thought I would take to my grave.

The truth is: my brother molested me.

When he was still alive, I hated him and feared him and was disgusted by him (and I loved him). But when he died, I started creating narratives in my head: "he just wanted to explore." "He didn't know what he was doing." "He was a child too." I was creating ways by which I could preserve his memory. So that I could grieve him like everyone else; like all he was was a brother lost.

But none of it was true. Whatever his thoughts or intentions, he was older than me. He knew better than me. And it was his job to protect me, and instead he hurt me.

I confessed my dirty little secret to my aunt and brother, and suddenly I could admit to everything that I'd always known was true:

My brother used me for his own gratification. I started self-mutilating because he made me feel worthless. 

I have never stopped hating myself or blaming myself, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to escape those thought processes.

The year before he died, I wished with everything in me that he would kill himself.

When he died, I was immensely relieved.

I do love him, and I do miss him - but I'm glad he's gone. Because now I'm no longer afraid that he might touch me again. Now I'm no longer afraid of what he's thinking when he looks at me. Without that pervasive fear, I am able to actually love him and miss him.

This is the true source of why I always feel so alone and so broken; and I have a lot more to work through surrounding this than I do about losing my parents.

I had never identified as having been 'molested.' When I first spoke it out loud (to my best friend back in high school), I used words like "he made me touch him." As if different words would mean something different. But the morning after I broke down and told my family, I looked the word up. Quite simply, "to subject to unwanted or improper sexual activity." And if that's the definition, I was molested as a child. And my big brother molested me.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Broken Child In Me

Sometimes I really, truly, honestly believe that if only I had apologized for everything I had ever done, they would never have left me.

(I'm so sorry.)

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I Want My Money Back

You expect that when you go on a long, sunny vacation with a good friend that you'll come back happier - more relaxed - more at ease.

Maybe even comforted and rejuvenated after a long absence from your country and your people.

But then -- you just go back to a foreign country while she gets to go home.

And after a long, sunny vacation, having had someone to share your meals and your experiences with every single day -- having been with someone who loves you every single day -- you just go back to being alone.

I'm back in my dark place - and it seems like it's determined to hang on to me for a while.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ”
― Kristin Hannah, Summer Island

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Things I Hate

"I know I can't ever complain to you about anything because your life is so much worse than mine."

"Wow, now I feel so much better about my own life."

"You're kidding, right? You're not? Oh. Um. So, nice weather today. Um. Hey, I should get going."

"So you're seeing a psychiatrist, right?"

"Wow, you should really talk to someone."

"I thought you told me it was a car accident? Really, you didn't? Are you sure?"

"So is your brother seeing a psychiatrist?"

"You and your brother should talk to someone."

"I'm so frustrated, I could kill someone! Oh--! Oh, sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean that!"

"Wait, so BOTH of your parents are dead?"

"Your brother's dead too?"

"Yeah, you did mention how they died. It was a car accident, right?"

"Wow, I would never have guessed. You seem so normal."

"Really? But you're coping so well. Are you sure that's what happened?"

"Oh. I feel a little sick now."

"Oh my God! Well, I'm really glad that that would never happen with MY family."

"So when was the traffic accident?"

"Oh my God, now I can't believe I've been complaining to you all this time about MY little problems."

Every single one was actually said to me, in those words. Imagine three years of it. It's become so predictable, so tiring, and a little ridiculous.

I opened up to a couple of my newer friends yesterday, and I was preemptive: "Let me guess, you thought it was a car accident?"


What a surprise.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Feb 26

♥♥♥ Happy Birthday My Daddy ♥♥♥

I hope you're in a world of unending magic.

I miss you every moment of every day.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

My Little Brother?

I turn 23 tomorrow. You were 23 when you died.

You taught me so much. You protected me so often. You always made me laugh - except when you were making me cry. I know how much pride you took in being my big brother - and I hope you know how much pride I've always taken in having you as my big brother.

The thought of you frozen in time at 23 --
The thought that I've just about caught up with you--
It makes me feel ill. Physically ill.
It's wrong.
It was never supposed to be like this.

How can it be that, one day, I'll look in the mirror and see an old woman -- and you'll still, forever, have the face of a young man?

I miss you.

Someday I'm gonna be older than you
I've never thought beyond that time
I've never imagined the pictures of that life
For now I will try to live for you and for me
I will try to live with love, with dreams,
and forever with tears

-Tears, X-Japan

Saturday, February 18, 2012


I'm beginning to realize that I carry the weight of my tragedy with me. I haul it around like it's my duty, my burden to bear. There's something in me that feels I was given a set of responsibilities along with it: protect the names of my lost ones; correct people's misconceptions about mental health and suicide; quash the stereotypes of how I should have turned out; and, of course, act as gatekeeper to the story itself. Each of these I am passionate about - but none of these are my duties. I should be able to do all of the above as I want, when I want - but I should not carry the burden of them.

Perhaps, in the first handful of months, they were my duties. My family's names really were under constant attack. People were making dangerous conclusions about the 'why' of the event. I was treated unfairly by my peers and community, and was a target of gossip. And I learned very rapidly in those months that the interactions I could expect to have with people were very much dependent on what and when they knew about my family. We were on lockdown. It was a response that was trained into me when I was vulnerable and impressionable.

And I haven't been able to let go. I've come to terms with the event itself; that's been the case for a while now. The weight I continue to carry and which continues to oppress me is the cage that the media assault forced me into.

I do not want this burden anymore. I need to find a way to let it go.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


It hurts so much and so often because, for the life of me, I cannot find enough good memories to outweigh my unbearable load of regrets.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Quick Call Here and There

Mummy, you have to see what I bought today. I e-mailed you a picture, go look. Yeah. Okay. Do you see it? Isn't it cute? I know! Yeah, things have been great here. No, no, I just don't really have the urge to take any pictures. Okay, okay, fine, I'll make sure to take some. Is Daddy there? Tell him I keep finding things here that he'd really like. Oh, hi Daddy! So many things here remind me of you. I would love it so much if you guys were able to visit me while I'm here! No, I know, but it would be really nice. We could go to a pub and get some fish n chips. Haha! Oh, okay. Love you! Hi Mummy. Yeah, a few people at work, I haven't really had a chance to go out and meet people yet. You would love the shopping here! Even I want to buy everything! How is everyone doing? Oh my God, that's amazing, tell him I say congratulations! Yeah, D***** and I have been talking quite a bit, he's always online when I'm up in the morning. I miss you too, so much. Haha, I know, but if you call me tomorrow we can talk longer. Get D***** to show you how to use Skype. Okay. I do. I love you too, Mommy. Okay. Bye Daddy, love you! Yeah. Okay. Love you! Bye.

I fucking wish.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Three Years

Rest in peace. ♥♥♥

"Little by little
I've come to this point
On my own I've been searching my way
I lost you so early
The days went so fast
You don't know how I prayed every day

A song to remember
A song to forget
You'll never know how I tried
To make you proud
And to honour your name
But you never told me goodbye

Now that you are gone
Casting shadows from the past
You and all the memories will last"

-Don't You Cry, Kamelot

Sunday, January 8, 2012

From Nov 1, 2009

I want to curl up and cry
and I want to sit in the dark and stare into nothingness
and I want to go out and strangle a small animal
and I want to start a fight and get a black eye
and I want to sit naked in a cold shower until someone gets worried and finds me there
and I want to bang my head against a hard surface until I bleed and pass out
and I want to grab someone and hug them so they can't breathe and never ever let go

Monday, January 2, 2012

No Fairy Godmothers

"Screw 'em.

Screw them.


People are going to tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say no, this is who I am. You want people to look at you differently - make them. You want to change things you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself because there are no fairy godmothers in this world."

- Once Upon A Time