Sunday, February 26, 2012

Feb 26

♥♥♥ Happy Birthday My Daddy ♥♥♥

I hope you're in a world of unending magic.

I miss you every moment of every day.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

My Little Brother?

I turn 23 tomorrow. You were 23 when you died.

You taught me so much. You protected me so often. You always made me laugh - except when you were making me cry. I know how much pride you took in being my big brother - and I hope you know how much pride I've always taken in having you as my big brother.

The thought of you frozen in time at 23 --
The thought that I've just about caught up with you--
It makes me feel ill. Physically ill.
It's wrong.
It was never supposed to be like this.

How can it be that, one day, I'll look in the mirror and see an old woman -- and you'll still, forever, have the face of a young man?

I miss you.

Someday I'm gonna be older than you
I've never thought beyond that time
I've never imagined the pictures of that life
For now I will try to live for you and for me
I will try to live with love, with dreams,
and forever with tears

-Tears, X-Japan

Saturday, February 18, 2012


I'm beginning to realize that I carry the weight of my tragedy with me. I haul it around like it's my duty, my burden to bear. There's something in me that feels I was given a set of responsibilities along with it: protect the names of my lost ones; correct people's misconceptions about mental health and suicide; quash the stereotypes of how I should have turned out; and, of course, act as gatekeeper to the story itself. Each of these I am passionate about - but none of these are my duties. I should be able to do all of the above as I want, when I want - but I should not carry the burden of them.

Perhaps, in the first handful of months, they were my duties. My family's names really were under constant attack. People were making dangerous conclusions about the 'why' of the event. I was treated unfairly by my peers and community, and was a target of gossip. And I learned very rapidly in those months that the interactions I could expect to have with people were very much dependent on what and when they knew about my family. We were on lockdown. It was a response that was trained into me when I was vulnerable and impressionable.

And I haven't been able to let go. I've come to terms with the event itself; that's been the case for a while now. The weight I continue to carry and which continues to oppress me is the cage that the media assault forced me into.

I do not want this burden anymore. I need to find a way to let it go.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


It hurts so much and so often because, for the life of me, I cannot find enough good memories to outweigh my unbearable load of regrets.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Quick Call Here and There

Mummy, you have to see what I bought today. I e-mailed you a picture, go look. Yeah. Okay. Do you see it? Isn't it cute? I know! Yeah, things have been great here. No, no, I just don't really have the urge to take any pictures. Okay, okay, fine, I'll make sure to take some. Is Daddy there? Tell him I keep finding things here that he'd really like. Oh, hi Daddy! So many things here remind me of you. I would love it so much if you guys were able to visit me while I'm here! No, I know, but it would be really nice. We could go to a pub and get some fish n chips. Haha! Oh, okay. Love you! Hi Mummy. Yeah, a few people at work, I haven't really had a chance to go out and meet people yet. You would love the shopping here! Even I want to buy everything! How is everyone doing? Oh my God, that's amazing, tell him I say congratulations! Yeah, D***** and I have been talking quite a bit, he's always online when I'm up in the morning. I miss you too, so much. Haha, I know, but if you call me tomorrow we can talk longer. Get D***** to show you how to use Skype. Okay. I do. I love you too, Mommy. Okay. Bye Daddy, love you! Yeah. Okay. Love you! Bye.

I fucking wish.