I'm not a woman.
I don't even think that's the direction I'm headed.
I'm going backwards. I'm more of a child each day. I'm always seeking approval. I'm afraid to be left alone. I don't know how to handle my emotions. People think they see something in me, but it's not there. Not anymore. I'm losing it.
How the fuck can I be a child with no mother?
All of my friends who have lost parents...it's always the father. M*******, P**, M*****... All of these people I surrounded myself with to feel understood, they still have that great maternal comfort in their lives. All I have are all of these women feeling like they'd like to take over that role in my life somehow, and I truly resent it. They were never there before. I don't need them now. And whatever they have to offer, they can never compare to my wonderful mother.
I think I need to cry. I haven't in so long.