I'm afraid that something may be the case for me, and for a long time I've been afraid to confront it or admit it to myself:
I have spent a good year or so in constant, powerful emotional turmoil. As glad as I am to have climbed out of that abyss, I think I had habituated to it - and, in contrast, a life of normalcy seems extraordinarily dull. What I've noticed in this subsequent year is that I've changed my behaviour to pursue stronger emotions. I take spontaneous trips, leave projects until the last minute, engage in confrontation where I would typically mediate, place myself in situations where I will interact with people I'd rather avoid...so that I can feel the excitement, the stress, the thrill, the terror, the heartbreak, the anger, the exhilaration. And whatever it is, even in my moments of absolute misery, I come out the other end thinking is that it? Have my emotions stabilized already? Am I to go back to being 'normal'?
More than anything, I do not want to say I miss what I felt last year. And I certainly do not want to go back there. But, as nervous as I am to admit it, there really was something thrilling about living a life that was out of the ordinary. My days were filled with police, lawyers, social workers, journalists and photographers, funeral directors. They were filled with tears, screams, fights, collapses, mistakes. And more than anything, they were filled with decisions I would never have otherwise had the cajones to make. I was in shock, and in misery, but somehow it made me feel surprisingly alive.
I ache to feel quite so alive again. Does that make me an addict? Is it dysfunctional? Does getting the most out of life mean exploring the extents of human experience and emotion, or am I playing with fire by not appreciating calm waters?
Most importantly: am I ultimately sabotaging myself?