I'm afraid that something may be the case for me, and for a long time I've been afraid to confront it or admit it to myself:
I have spent a good year or so in constant, powerful emotional turmoil. As glad as I am to have climbed out of that abyss, I think I had habituated to it - and, in contrast, a life of normalcy seems extraordinarily dull. What I've noticed in this subsequent year is that I've changed my behaviour to pursue stronger emotions. I take spontaneous trips, leave projects until the last minute, engage in confrontation where I would typically mediate, place myself in situations where I will interact with people I'd rather avoid...so that I can feel the excitement, the stress, the thrill, the terror, the heartbreak, the anger, the exhilaration. And whatever it is, even in my moments of absolute misery, I come out the other end thinking is that it? Have my emotions stabilized already? Am I to go back to being 'normal'?
More than anything, I do not want to say I miss what I felt last year. And I certainly do not want to go back there. But, as nervous as I am to admit it, there really was something thrilling about living a life that was out of the ordinary. My days were filled with police, lawyers, social workers, journalists and photographers, funeral directors. They were filled with tears, screams, fights, collapses, mistakes. And more than anything, they were filled with decisions I would never have otherwise had the cajones to make. I was in shock, and in misery, but somehow it made me feel surprisingly alive.
I ache to feel quite so alive again. Does that make me an addict? Is it dysfunctional? Does getting the most out of life mean exploring the extents of human experience and emotion, or am I playing with fire by not appreciating calm waters?
Most importantly: am I ultimately sabotaging myself?
3 comments:
I'm not sure whether or not it would be safe to say this, considering I have a sneaky suspicion on how you'd act to it, but you just might be sabotaging yourself. It's great to have drama in your life, but you seem to not be able to stop and enjoy the calm waters.
Personally I believe drama is good once in a while when you get fed up with nothing ever happening, but to have it constantly there in your life, it begins to wear some people down and things get chaotic and for me, I just find it annoying to see it all the time. It's nothing new, but neither is sitting around and nothing ever happening. However that's only my opinion.
When you're old and fragile then its nice to be all calm and what not, but why can't it also happen now? Must everything be so chaotic?
Thing is: in this one year, I've traveled more than I ever have in such a short time period. I've volunteered at more events, auditioned for more shows, and gone on more dates. I've even finally conquered my body image fears and bought a bikini - and all that is part of my "pursuit of drama." The run-ins with old enemies and exam- and project-stressors are negative, but they're very short-lasting. The experiences I've had this year though, that I was always to timid to seek - those will last forever. So are calm waters worth the sacrifice of such incredible personal growth? Even if that growth means emotional risk?
You achieved so much in such a short time. You've got lots of time to be doing all this. It's great that you've done all these things, but for some reason, I get the impression that you're trying to do all these things before -insert-age-here-.
I'm glad to see that you've grown so much over the past year, but it seems to me that something triggered this, because I've known you for so long and to have done so much in only a years time, makes me wonder "why?"
Anyways, I'm just glad to see you exploring the world and getting out there, experiencing great things!
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