In Coming Home

There was an emptiness in touching down in Toronto - and in greeting my best friend - and in catching up with my people.

There's an emptiness in the thought of going back to Kitchener for Christmas. An emptiness in the thought of opening gifts and eating turkey.

There's an emptiness.

I will never again have a mother's love.

My mother's love.

Her love was my home.

I'll never be able to go home again.

Oct 15

You were so flawed. I have a lifetime of complaints and grievances I could make against you. There was so much about you that I didn't like and I never want to become. I have a lot of issues and troubles that I'm sure are a result of your imperfect parenting.

But the thing is, Mommy, you were still perfect. You were still everything I could have ever asked for. Because you were my Mommy - and I am your daughter. Your imperfections and fears and failures are, as much as your successes and strengths, my legacy. You are every contracting beat of my heart. You are every resounding echo of my footsteps. You are the dimples in my smile and the salt in my tears.

I do not miss you. I ache for you.

Mama: with my every breath, I love you.
Please rest in peace and in happiness.

Happy Birthday
xxx

Happy Mother's Day

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ”

― Kristin Hannah, Summer Island

Oct 15

Happy Birthday Mama.

I miss you every single day.

A Birthday Letter

I wrote this to my mom on what ended up being her last birthday. It also shows how much of an impact losing her had on me.

Dear Mommy,

First of all: please don't ever think that I would forget your birthday! I wasn't sure how to approach it with coming home for Thanksgiving, especially because I felt guilty about having had a gift for you last year and nothing for you this year. I considered making a card, but I didn't want it to be something plain and superficial, and I really didn't have the time to put into it the time and effort needed to make it worthy.

My plan had been to e-mail you, like I'm doing now, with a different kind of gift: an explanation of how much I admire you.

I've admired you since I was a little girl - for your love, your creativity, your friendship, your intelligence - but most of all for your undying optimism, and your courage and bravery. Every day you amaze me with the way in which you manage to face the world despite how hard it tries to beat you down - and the way in which you manage to remain strong and stable to support those around you.

I know how hard it is to try and keep living and keep wanting to live when I'm enveloped in depression and the unending stress of life. I have learned to find the strength to be there for myself, but through it all I've had the comfort of knowing that, when all else fails, I have you to be there for me. When I would otherwise feel as though I might as well just give up and end everything, even if I haven't spoken to you in ages, the knowledge that you're there and that you'll always be there for me is all the hope I need to keep pushing through, to keep working at bettering myself, and to keep developing my own personal strength. I know a lot of the time (or even most of the time) you feel as if I'm just cutting you out of my emotional process, but the truth is, even when you know nothing of it, you're the very foundation of my ability to stay strong.

I've told you many times how much I admire you, but I know I can never really express the extent to which I truly do. The picture of your life that you've painted for me is so full of difficulties and hardships that you should have come out the other end bitter and pessimistic - but the opposite is true. It seems as though when you gush out encouragement towards me and my brothers, you shouldn't be able to come up with anything other than fake optimism - but I can feel your true hope and lust for what life and love have to offer. I'm a pessimist in words, but an optimist at heart - and to hear someone else express that integral part of life - that love - is sometimes all I need to remember what I'm doing. I admire you for your ability to overcome all the world has thrown at you (and God, the world has thrown at you so much, especially in this past little while) and still have faith - not even in an external, omnipotent force - but in YOURSELF. I pray that one day I can have such faith in myself. I'm working on it, but right now I survive by having faith in YOU.

You were my idol growing up, and you're still my idol today. It would be fake to say that I want to be just like you, but the core part of you is the model that I want to integrate and build myself on. It's been a really rocky road thus far, but you - and daddy - have proven to be of such great character that I can't help but feel I have what it takes to survive life and all its difficulties.

I know a lot of the time you feel as though you screwed up somewhere in the process of raising us, and it's understandable. The three of us are pretty screwed up, in many ways. But that was the world's doing. Not yours. Your doing was giving us the resilience and the passion to keep fighting for our place in the world despite it all. S****'s patience and contentment? That comes from you. D*****'s love for the world and ensuing hope throughout his hell? That comes from you. My lust for life and people and my determination to be as strong as I can be? That definitely, definitely comes from you.

When all you have is the burden of your own difficulties and that of your family, I'm sure it can feel as though you haven't really accomplished much. I often fear that you might not feel accomplished. But I've heard your stories, and I have a picture of who you used to be, and it amazes me how far you've come. You have become the ultimate woman: you are incredibly strong, beautifully weak. You are confident, outspoken, opinionated. You fight for what you believe in, and you sacrifice what others may think of you for staying true to who you are. These are things that everyone strives for, and that very, very few accomplish even by the ends of their lives. You've already secured that. You have made the ultimate accomplishment of humanity - and I strive towards the very same. I'm working hard to find my own path and go in my own direction, but when I lose sight of what my path is, I simply step back into your footsteps, remember the ultimate goal, and step off onto my own path when I've remembered what it is.

No matter where we are, what either of us are doing, how old we are, or how long it's been since I've spoken to you...I keep your footsteps nearby when I need them. You are so much more than a mother to me. Please never forget that.

Today, when you celebrate your birthday, please don't simply celebrate the fact that you get attention and a slice of cake. Celebrate who you are, how far you've come, and how much I - and all of us - love you. And if you ever lose sight of how amazing and beautiful and accomplished you are, just give me a call. I guarantee you I will never run out of words to praise you.

I love you with all my heart, Mommy. Happy Birthday.

Love,
Tee

Proud Parents

A friend of mine graduated this week, and I joined her after the ceremony to take pictures and congratulate her. She and her very proud parents were all smiles - it was a really beautiful sight. I was so proud of her myself; I really got caught up in the moment, and reveled in all of the joy.

Being there, I started to wonder why I hadn't invited all of my friends to join me on the grass for pictures as per my university's tradition. It seemed so joyous. Standing there with her, I somehow didn't understand how my own convocation could be tainted with any emotion other than joy or pride.

Then when things wrapped up, I walked home. Alone. To an empty apartment. And thank God I had sunglasses, because I cried the whole damn way.

As soon as I walked away, the images of my grad had shifted from friends like dear M***** congratulating me on the grass to images of my parents hugging me and smiling at me like hers were on that day. Images that are no more than fiction for me. Empty hopes.

It's not fair. Mommy, Daddy: you wanted me to graduate, just like you? You both had your parents with you. I don't.





And I don't know how I can be proud of myself without you there to show me.

Kocham cię

Kocham moją mamę, bardzo.

(I miss you.)

Journal Entry from Jan 30, 2009

        I'm too young, vulnerable, and dependent a girl to live without my mommy.
        I miss you.
        I need you.
        I want to hold you.
        I want you to hold me.

        Mommy, mommy.

        Mommy.

        You were perfect, okay?

        You really were.

        And I'm really, really feeling that now.

        I don't want to have to live the rest of my long life without you.
        I still have so much to learn from you.
        I still have so much to tell you.
        I still have so much to ask you.

        I know you're watching me, and protecting me, and listening and loving and helping...
        But I just want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to feel you. I want to hold your hand and rest my head against your shoulder.

        I'll never have that again.

        I wish I had treasured that last time that much more.

         Mommy.

        I LOVE YOU

A poem from Mar 11, 2010

Love, Mommy.

For months after I died,
You wrote to me. As often
As I used to call you,
To keep me updated, to keep
Our bond.

You would seal each letter
Carefully (like I taught you)
Into a sketchbook that you bought
Just for me,
And write the date in the bottom right corner.

You haven’t written to me in months, sweetheart.
You’re afraid to. I know you need to,
I know you need to talk to me
To imagine my face as I read your words
But your courage and resilience have turned to fear.

I know you changed your desktop background
To the last picture we took together
But you keep windows open
So you never have to look at it.

You blew up an old picture of J*** and I
And postered it onto your living room wall
But I see you when you look at it
You look at your father,
And not me.

I’m gone, sweetie.
I know you don’t want it to be true,
But it is.

But you need to remember something:
You may not feel me anymore
My arms
My voice
My hands
My hugs
But that does not mean I am not with you.

I made a promise to you:
I will be there for
you at every turn in your
life – good, bad and everything
in between. Don’t be afraid.
I will be there for you
through all of this.

Do not think that
Because my breath was stolen from me
Because my body failed me
Because my heart is unbeating ash
That I lied to you.

I will be there for you
through all of this.

I am here for you.
Through all of this.

I know it’s easy to say
Don’t be afraid,
So I will let you. You don’t
Need to look at my picture,
Sweet Tee.

And I can survive for as long as necessary,
Not receiving another letter from you.
Take your time. I don’t resent it,
I don’t blame you,
And I have all the patience you need from me.

Just please remember:
I am there for you
through all of this.

You have your brother, and your Auntie
To give you hugs, to give you voice
And to hold your hand. But you are
My Daughter.
I am there for you.

Death does not stop a mother’s love.
You know how stubborn I am.
And you know how much
Your Daddy and I
Will always fight for you.

I love you, Tee.
(and I love you too)
I am here for you. Through all of this.
So, please:
Don’t be afraid.

Oct 15

Happy Birthday Mommy xxoo
Rest in peace.