I want to curl up and cry
and I want to sit in the dark and stare into nothingness
and I want to go out and strangle a small animal
and I want to start a fight and get a black eye
and I want to sit naked in a cold shower until someone gets worried and finds me there
and I want to bang my head against a hard surface until I bleed and pass out
and I want to grab someone and hug them so they can't breathe and never ever let go
Showing posts with label journal entries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal entries. Show all posts
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Journal Entry from Jan 30, 2009
I'm too young, vulnerable, and dependent a girl to live without my mommy.
I miss you.
I need you.
I want to hold you.
I want you to hold me.
Mommy, mommy.
Mommy.
You were perfect, okay?
You really were.
And I'm really, really feeling that now.
I don't want to have to live the rest of my long life without you.
I still have so much to learn from you.
I still have so much to tell you.
I still have so much to ask you.
I know you're watching me, and protecting me, and listening and loving and helping...
But I just want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to feel you. I want to hold your hand and rest my head against your shoulder.
I'll never have that again.
I wish I had treasured that last time that much more.
Mommy.
I LOVE YOU
I miss you.
I need you.
I want to hold you.
I want you to hold me.
Mommy, mommy.
Mommy.
You were perfect, okay?
You really were.
And I'm really, really feeling that now.
I don't want to have to live the rest of my long life without you.
I still have so much to learn from you.
I still have so much to tell you.
I still have so much to ask you.
I know you're watching me, and protecting me, and listening and loving and helping...
But I just want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to feel you. I want to hold your hand and rest my head against your shoulder.
I'll never have that again.
I wish I had treasured that last time that much more.
Mommy.
I LOVE YOU
Friday, December 17, 2010
Journal Entry from Aug 5, 2009
1:01pm
I used to take all of my self hardships out on everyone else.
On all of the people who loved me.
I have all of these vast and incredible conflicts in my mind and heart - ones in which me being me is the greatest barrier to overcome. And all of those struggles I had with myself I took out on those surrounding me as some sort of rebellious catharsis.
And now those seem to be the only memories that are flooding me.
I hope so, so, so much that they've forgiven me. I forgive them for everything, everything. I just really hope they forgive me.
Otherwise, how else can I go on?
I used to take all of my self hardships out on everyone else.
On all of the people who loved me.
I have all of these vast and incredible conflicts in my mind and heart - ones in which me being me is the greatest barrier to overcome. And all of those struggles I had with myself I took out on those surrounding me as some sort of rebellious catharsis.
And now those seem to be the only memories that are flooding me.
I hope so, so, so much that they've forgiven me. I forgive them for everything, everything. I just really hope they forgive me.
Otherwise, how else can I go on?
Journal Entry from Aug 9, 2009
2:23pm
I'm not a woman.
I don't even think that's the direction I'm headed.
I'm going backwards. I'm more of a child each day. I'm always seeking approval. I'm afraid to be left alone. I don't know how to handle my emotions. People think they see something in me, but it's not there. Not anymore. I'm losing it.
How the fuck can I be a child with no mother?
All of my friends who have lost parents...it's always the father. M*******, P**, M*****... All of these people I surrounded myself with to feel understood, they still have that great maternal comfort in their lives. All I have are all of these women feeling like they'd like to take over that role in my life somehow, and I truly resent it. They were never there before. I don't need them now. And whatever they have to offer, they can never compare to my wonderful mother.
I think I need to cry. I haven't in so long.
I'm not a woman.
I don't even think that's the direction I'm headed.
I'm going backwards. I'm more of a child each day. I'm always seeking approval. I'm afraid to be left alone. I don't know how to handle my emotions. People think they see something in me, but it's not there. Not anymore. I'm losing it.
How the fuck can I be a child with no mother?
All of my friends who have lost parents...it's always the father. M*******, P**, M*****... All of these people I surrounded myself with to feel understood, they still have that great maternal comfort in their lives. All I have are all of these women feeling like they'd like to take over that role in my life somehow, and I truly resent it. They were never there before. I don't need them now. And whatever they have to offer, they can never compare to my wonderful mother.
I think I need to cry. I haven't in so long.
Journal Entry from Sep 12, 2009
11:20am
I'm at that point where there seems to be no up. I keep spiraling downwards and my efforts to reverse it only make it worse. I think this is a part of what Daddy felt. Complete hopelessness. It's at that point when you just can't keep trying.
I need someone to listen to me, and not be afraid of what I tell them. I think that was what was so comforting about A*** and C********. They never treated me with fear. They never tried to rush my words so they could escape from the discomfort.
And they made eye contact.
That's one of the worst: when I bring out a very vulnerable part of myself and people drop their gaze. It makes me feel so rejected. Like when R**** rejected me and avoided eye contact for months. I feel that now with everyone.
I'm at that point where there seems to be no up. I keep spiraling downwards and my efforts to reverse it only make it worse. I think this is a part of what Daddy felt. Complete hopelessness. It's at that point when you just can't keep trying.
I need someone to listen to me, and not be afraid of what I tell them. I think that was what was so comforting about A*** and C********. They never treated me with fear. They never tried to rush my words so they could escape from the discomfort.
And they made eye contact.
That's one of the worst: when I bring out a very vulnerable part of myself and people drop their gaze. It makes me feel so rejected. Like when R**** rejected me and avoided eye contact for months. I feel that now with everyone.
Journal Entry from Apr 13, 2010
3:09pm
Remember that time that I dreamt Daddy left us? I told Mommy about it for some reason, probably because the rest of the dream was interesting, or because it was a nightmare of sorts. In any case the fact that Daddy left us in the dream wasn't of any importance to me.
Yet, the next thing I know is that my mom is consulting with my father and he's coming to me to ASSURE me that he'd never leave.
You lied to me, you bastard.
You bastard.
You DID leave.
Remember that time that I dreamt Daddy left us? I told Mommy about it for some reason, probably because the rest of the dream was interesting, or because it was a nightmare of sorts. In any case the fact that Daddy left us in the dream wasn't of any importance to me.
Yet, the next thing I know is that my mom is consulting with my father and he's coming to me to ASSURE me that he'd never leave.
You lied to me, you bastard.
You bastard.
You DID leave.
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