Three Years

Rest in peace. ♥♥♥

"Little by little
I've come to this point
On my own I've been searching my way
I lost you so early
The days went so fast
You don't know how I prayed every day

A song to remember
A song to forget
You'll never know how I tried
To make you proud
And to honour your name
But you never told me goodbye

Now that you are gone
Casting shadows from the past
You and all the memories will last"

-Don't You Cry, Kamelot

From Nov 1, 2009

I want to curl up and cry
and I want to sit in the dark and stare into nothingness
and I want to go out and strangle a small animal
and I want to start a fight and get a black eye
and I want to sit naked in a cold shower until someone gets worried and finds me there
and I want to bang my head against a hard surface until I bleed and pass out
and I want to grab someone and hug them so they can't breathe and never ever let go

No Fairy Godmothers

"Screw 'em.

Screw them.

[...]

People are going to tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say no, this is who I am. You want people to look at you differently - make them. You want to change things you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself because there are no fairy godmothers in this world."

- Once Upon A Time

Traveling Alone

No one to see me off at the airport; no one to greet me when I arrive.

I was in the same situation once before, and had nothing but excitement for my upcoming adventure -- so why not now? Why should simply no longer having parents turn such excitement into despair? Even at this point, when I know I have a job and home of my own to go back to and I can actually visualize my situation, why is my heart such a weight in my chest?

This moment should be a highlight of my young life.

I want my highlights back.

Merry Christmas

Our last family Christmas tree, from when we were all still together.

(My mom would be horrified to realize how crooked it was.)

Merry, Merry Christmas, and many more to come.

xxoo Tee

An Unhappy Life

"I want you to know that in life you need to follow the path that will give you the most satisfaction and fulfillment. [...] I would rather see you have a short exciting life that is your own than spending 50 years at doing something unsatisfying. There is no value in an unhappy life."

From an e-mail from my Daddy

Hurry Up and Wait

I'm in such a hurry to live.

I'm always told "you're only 22", "you're so young", "you have your whole life yet".

I'm so young...and already so aware of my mortality.

Maybe it's foolish to already be thinking about marriage, kids, and buying a home. Maybe it's silly to already be despairing about not knowing what career path I want to take. But maybe not. Maybe I really do only have a handful of years left and I need to get started on my life. Or maybe the best way to live a long life is as if it's short, and stuff into it everything you possibly can.

My brother died at 23 - which will be my age only a few months from now. And whatever people want to say about the context and conditions of his death, the bottom line is that he died at 23 -- and he absolutely never expected to die at 23. If he'd known his time was limited like that, would his short life have been different? I wonder if that time pressure would have pushed him to get control of his OCD; or if it would have heightened his already unimaginable anxiety? Maybe his life would have been worse if he'd known. But maybe he would have accomplished things in his life that only a looming deadline can ensure.

I neither want to nor will die at 23. But does that mean I should live my life like I have all the time in the world? Or am I right in wanting my goals to be reached in as little time as possible?